I became a mother. I never really liked children. That's one thing I had in common with my bestfriend husband. Kids are okay, yeah, but we're not like some of our friends who gush and go gaga over little babies and children. That's the reason why we didn't have children right away. In fact, if God won't allow us to have children, I'll be okay with it. Then came Himig. I saw her on her third day as I visited her in the nursery for breastfeeding. She was wrapped in this yellow lampin, the moist and oily hair still sticking to her scalp, a bit chinky and really fair. My first thoughts were: Is this stranger really my child? So is mankind expecting me to fall in love right away with this frail baby? I waited for that explosive Johnson's-Baby moment but all there was was uncertainty and a polite "Hello. I'm you're Nanay." I gingerly placed her lips on my breasts and as if triggered by a switch, quickly sucked vigorously. Oh my golly, this stranger is sucking my nipples! And boy, does it hurt! I was floating in this pool of question and exclamation marks and amazement and disbelief. "Oh my goodness, she actually came from me?! I hope my milk will satisfy her. Oh dear, kulang 'ata 'yung gatas ko. Oh dear... " *worry, worry, worry* The onlt reason I didn't drown in that pool because despite my doubts, I already knew that I love her. It wasn't the most rosy experience, especially when the post-partum depression kicked in. On my second week as a mom, my nipples were more sore than ever, I was alone in our Tandang Sora home and feeling very, very inadequate. My ceasarian section wass sore, I feel desperately tired out of waking up for one and a half hour three times during the night for those torturous breastfeeding times and amidst all that, faced with the same household chores that I did when I was still, hmm, let's say, better able. Everytime Junn left for work, I braced myself for the hours ahead. What the heck am I gonna do next? What else can I do? Will I be a good mother? Oh yeah, Himig and I did lots crying duets then. I held Himig as she fed while I bit my lip in pain, still wondering if all this torturous labor is working because I still had no idea if I'm actually secreting milk. Self-pity easily won over and joined my swimming pool. I started asking myself if we really made the right decision having a baby now. Good thing love was still there, keeping my head above the water. I gasped and survived. VOICE OVER: Ano kaya ang nangyari kay Anne Esteban? Kakayanin kaya niya ang Post-partum challenge? Abangan sa pagpapatuloy ng kanyang blog! DISCLAIMER: Sensya na di ko pa na-pupulis tong entry ko. Grammar police, patawad muna.