#16: Lights Out

I started counting when it happened around twenty times already in 6 months.

During the first 5 times it happened, I probably didn't notice.

When it happened ten times, I took it as a coincidence.

After it happened 15 times, it became an X-filish trivia of my life that I told my friends so they will say, "Weird..."

When it happened twenty times already, I was officially freaked out. Then I started counting to formalize my tally of this simple yet mildly disturbing phenomenon.

Lamp posts turn off when I pass by.

I even have friends with me during some of the times it happened. I was in front of the church, walking to the car with our church food provider. The church lamp post went off.

Me and my friends were walking in area two in UP some midnight, just loitering, when a road lamp went off.

My husband parked his car to drop off an item to a friend. I stayed in the car to read my book under the light of the lamp post when, rudely, it turned off.

A year after, I got seriously weirded out when it started happening at one lamp post intervals probably January this year. There was a time I was jogging with my husband when three lamp posts went off on me, in the same road, with only one lamp in between them! This kind of frequency happened to me twice already.

Since then, I already have this unusual suspenseful feeling when I'm walking at night. I already half-expect it to happen, yet when it actually does, I get startled. Like this one instance when I was walking with my hubby when a lamp post went out RIGHT WHEN I WAS EXACTLY UNDER IT. @#%&! My heart raced because somehow I can't pass it off anymore as a silly coincidence. When the lamp posts don't turn off, sometimes, they just flicker/quiver when I pass by, as if it's trying to fight. My husband knows this and is a witness to the numerous instances that it happened. At first, he will shake his head in disbelief. But now, I think he's already surrendered to the fact that it happens. During those moments when they just "quiver", my husband would say "Aba, o, lumalaban pa itong ilaw na ito sa'yo, o."

Nevertheless, I am not dispensing any explanation for it, you know, those paranormal, supernatural or brain power crap. I am just about learning to "enjoy" the fact that lamp posts are overwhelmed in my presence. Not "by", but "in" my presence. Those are two different things.

As I know it, these lamp posts automatically detect the presence of light. When the sun is up, it automatically turns off. When the sun starts to rest, they take the liberty to lend their own meager rays.

In my case, I'd like to think that I have legions of angels that God sent to be my bodyguards. They're so radiant that these lamps falter at their unseen light. Those little light detectors attached on top of the lamps simply deem it unnecessary to light my way, So you see, it's not me. Its just that I can be so weak and fragile at times that I need this many angels.

The latest lights-out experience counted 31 in my tally. God is so thoughtful, isn't He?

#15: How Do You Produce 12.5K in 7 Days?

Disclaimer: I'm sorry for the raw and unliterary way I composed this but this story has to be told through numbers. Pardon me as well if I'm gonna spill my financial guts to you but I'm not here to induce pity (though I can't blame you if you do). I just discovered that our resources may not be found in the numbers from our ATM slip. Note how I repeatedly used the word "suddenly". I don't expect you to readily make any sense out of it. Who said miracles are easy to figure out anyway?

Situation Background: September 14 My short film will be aired later and the interview just finished. They said I'm gonna get an honorarium for airing my short film. Asa pa ako kung makuha ko agad yun.

September 15 - Deadline of rent                        4,800

September 21 - Deadline of insurance premium     8,000

Bank account as of Sept 14                              1,000

Great... Umpisahan na ang karera!

Timeline:

Sept 14   my company was suddenly able to pay 50% of allowance it owes us for August. We received                                      4,000

Cash on Hand                                                      800

Bank Acct                                                        1,000

Sept 15 we paid rent (yey!1st lap!)                   -4,800

Cash on Hand                                                      500

Bank Acct                                                          700

Sept 16  status quo

Sept 17 We suddenly received long overdue allowance from worship department                                                                 2,500

Tithes for company allowance                            -400

Tithes for dept allowance                                  -250

                                                                   -650

                                                      2,500 - 650 =     1,850                                       

                                 Cash On Hand                  300

Amount Raised for Insurance Premium                 1,500

Sept 18 status quo but broadcast company suddenly called telling me I can get my 3,000 honorarium tomorrow. Akalain mo!

Sept 19 received honorarium from BC                  3,000

Hubby suddenly gets called for gig!

...and received a fee of                                    2,000

                             -load and other expenses      -500

                                                                                    1,500

                       Amount raised for Insurance           6,000 (2,000 to go!)

Sept 20 We suddenly received our fee for a finished project in the company                                                        2,500

Total Cash the day before the 8,000 deadline       8,500        

Sept 21 Was able to pay our rent and insurance premium in 7 days.

Finish Line! May allowance pa!

And something extra: By the way, a day after, our church friend told us some anonymous being wants to sponsor P500 worth of our groceries. We haven't been telling anyone about this race we're in but I guess the Lord spoke to that gracious being to shoulder our week's food. How unbelievable is that?

So how do you raise 12.5K in 7 days?

I don't know. But it will happen if the Financier knows you need it. Are you really asking the Lord to be more real and closer to you? 

Brace yourself.

You just bought a ticket to the most terrifying yet most thrilling ride of your life. It's soooo good, it feels like flying.

#14: UNA MULA SA HULI

Sige mahalin mo pa ako,
   Sige ibuhos mo ang lahat upang
sa pagtanaw ko sa malayo ay
    magigisnan ko ay ang mundo
at hindi maginaw na kawalan.
    Harangin mo ang anumang
hangin na tutuyo sa balat
    Na nag-uumpisa nang magbitak.
Tingnan mo, ako ay lumalayo
    Upang ihalo ko ang luha ko sa
Buhangin hanggang ang putik
    Ibabalot ko sa kahubaran 
Ng kaluluwang tigang.
    Ngunit, sige mahalin mo ako
Lumuhod ka at lumuha sa
    Ibabaw ng bangkay kong nanigas
Sa bumalot na batong namuo
    Sa ilalim ng init ng araw.
Tingnan mo ako at walang
    Naririnig, nakikita, nararamdaman,
Nalalagusan ng hininga 
    Naipon anhg pawis, hangin
Dugo, sa kulungang ako rin
    ang nagsara.
Sige, mahalin mo ako at
    Dalhin mo ako pataas
Lagpas sa bubong, sa mga tore,
    sa bundok, lagpas pa ng ulap,
inilapit ang langit
    sa aking mga pisngi.
Ngunit sa wakas, nagawa
    kong pagurin ka
Napatigil kitang magmahal.
    Kamao mo'y bumuka,
Mga bisig bumigay
    Bumulusok ang katawan kong  
Di pumitlag o nangahas magpasaklolo
    Pababa lagpas sa ulap, sa bundok,
Sa tore, sa bubong at lumagpak
    Bumagsak, nawasak, nasira
Nadurog, lumuwag, lumiwanag, at
    naimulat ko ang aking mata
Upang datnan ka sa aking tabi
    humahaplos, umaaruga
Minamahal ako.

Februrary 06, 2002

#13: Two High School Fantasies

Roughly two months ago, around 2am, I was laboring in front of the editing computer with my husband. We were getting tired of the voice-over from the project we were doing so hubby opened the TV and tuned in to MTV. The set wasn't anywhere in my periphery so I just listened to the music, if there is any musicality at all in any of their offerings.

Tene-nono-nenet tet-tenononenent.

          Tene-nono-nenet tet-tenononenent.

I was hearing this guitar riff. It was a little catchy so I glanced at the screen and glimpsed the eye-lined face of the singer who used to be my high school fantasy. He was still a drummer then. All this time I didn't know he is fronting this band. He looked straight at me for one moment. Then he went back to trying to look silly by doing his antics again while holding this megaphone.

Ok. Back to work. Tene-nono-nenet tet-tenononenent.

                                      Tene-nono-nenet tet-tenononenent.

I did go back to work but with that half-a-second, he was able to hold my gaze. He is not handsome, though his smile does something charming to his face. But that's beside the point because he wasn't smiling when I saw him. What got me is the intensity he can exude with his gaze. I think that's what fascinated me ten years ago. And it is still what fascinates me now.

The annoying VO stuck in my head already has a companion. Pleasantly and painfully in there also, was that half-a-second stare.

After two days of being enslaved by the editing we were doing, hubby and I decided to drop by Conspiracy. They are featuring a famous rock band, famous enough to command a 150-peso entrance fee. But tonight, it's for FREE! More reason for us to drop by and check them out then.

We went in, trying to hunt for an extra booth. Hubby being easily irritated by crowds and noise, asked to stay outside until the main band's appearance. I, being stubborn and determined, searched further and found college blockmates instead. So I got both a seat and people to talk to.

Now that I earned us some seats, I went back out to invite hubby in. It was so crowded that I was partly annoyed by this skinny guy in black clinging on the door jamb; he was blocking a third of the already crammed doorway. I squeezed against him on my way out. Hubby's not around. I squeezed against him again on my way back in. I miss my hubby easily so after a while, I went again on my way back out to search for him. That was the only time I realized that the guy blocking the door was my other high school fantasy.

This high school fantasy inspired me so much then that I was able write one of my best teeny poems. He wasn't fronting the band then. He composes the songs, plays the keyboards and sometimes the guitar. Ten years ago, he was just quiet, always in the background. His magic was in his quietness. No pretension, no flash. Just his profound and painfully romantic poetry. The Lord knows what I would have given ten years ago just to have the chance I have RIGHT NOW in this present time.

Right now, that my skin brushed against him three times in one hour.

Right now, that I can inhale his scent all I want.

Right now, when I can steal a caress on his hand that commands notes and words that move me.

The only difference is that RIGHT NOW, I don't need them anymore. There is NO MORE MAGIC. He is just too… too… showbiz now. The mysterious quietness is gone.

I'm not sure if I should feel sad or silly. Sad, for the 15-year old Anne because the chance that she'd been yearning for then came ten years too late. Silly, silly that I'm even pondering upon this irony in my life because I know I can't care less. Heck, I mean, he looks sapped, bleached and greasy nowadays.

Two high school fantasies in two days. Two different reactions. Interesting.

This looks interesting.

You might want to help me know myself. Punta kayo dito.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Annestebs

Salamat!

#12: Anne Went Away For Three Days

And she returned right when her appetite did.

It’s ironic how I wrote about my gastronomic fantasy just a few days before this experience. As all my friends know, I love eating! What’s better is that the Lord blessed me with a fairly active metabolism so I can eat hefty amounts of food every now and then. Though still I’m no hourglass; I don’t know where the waist ends and the hips start. Being more straight than curvy, I make up by having proper posture. But that’s beside the point.

I woke up some Saturday ago with this slightly nauseous feeling in my head. It was the last day of Hermeneutics class. I passed on breakfast and went ahead to prepare so I will be early for our final quiz. I resolved to just have my usual Saturday morning breakfast of coffee and crackers in the class since they are offered during sessions for free. But there was a change of plan when a good classmate of mine bought me a slice of banana bread for no reason at all. I expected myself to relish and enjoy my upgraded breakfast when I noticed, I’m not very interested with it at all. I weakly nibbled on the delicious bread. I’m not a breakfast person so I thought that was understandable. Now this is what I did not understand.

Wanting to celebrate the conclusion of our Hermeneutics session, my motherly classmates brought pansit, lumpiang shanghai, putong galapong and rice. It was a nice FREE meal so Anne dug in…

…and felt dizzy at her third mouthful.

After that, I had to force myself to eat just so I’d be able to finish what little I put on my plate. My tongue said it was tasty but my body and brain was telling me to stop. I felt sick the rest of the day and it didn’t stop there. My body was better the next day but for the next two days, my appetite disappeared. Just like that. POOF! That felt so weird for me. Even if I was served chunky spaghetti or inihaw na liempo with suka (which I was craving for for two weeks), I only ate around four spoonfuls and I’m done. I can’t even say I enjoyed it. I just tasted the smoked, slightly salty meat, the tangy vinegar and onions and that’s it. IT EVEN BORED ME! Sheesh… Would you believe that? No eye-rolling, breath-taking thrill.

That so freaked me out. I have become one of those ridiculous people who see eating as a necessity more than a pleasurable privilege. I became someone who just pushed their food around their plate, eventually leaving half the serving uneaten. I have become one of those I thought I CAN NEVER understand. Now, I’m even able to empathize with them because I realized, these food-pushers have such a sad, sad life. I went through this for three days.

Just before I became depressed about it, I sautéed some cabbage and fried a fish and shared this lunch with my husband. I started chomping and nodding in appreciation and smiled. What do you know? The zombie is gone and I am back! I guess the strange virus flew and left me. I brightened up the moment the salty, sweet, sour and bitter are not just data sensed by my nerves. These tastes went back to becoming blessings, pure guiltless pleasures! Well, at least provided that you eat right, heehee! I learned that as long as I have the ability to enjoy the simple blessing of eating, it won’t matter if it’s just veggies and fish or a sirloin steak. I’m glad it didn’t take a complicated meal to make me discover that goodness.

#11: Allow Me To Be Self-indulgent

I knew we were experiencing the Great Depression when I found myself craving for restaurant food. We just finished our Guinisang Sardinas dinner and for the last three consecutive meals, we ate the same thing. Sardines is really fine for me but eating it consecutively is another thing. I asked my husband,

"Do you think we'll be able to afford a nice sit-down dinner in a semi-fine-dining restaurant anytime in the future? Yung kumpleto, may soup, main course and dessert, coffee... ayun?"

"I'm sure, sometime in the future", he answered smiling faintly, probably feeling for me, understanding the food-lover/adventurer in me that is being frustrated by our present state.

Encouraged by his answer, I closed my eyes to push my fantasy a little further.

We'll drive to a resto, something like Annabel's or Cafe Bola... something like that. We park then we will be welcomed by the hostess. We'll sit down and ponder upon the order, this time looking at the food that I really like and not the price I can afford. We'll probably have French Onion Soup with French bread on top crusted with melted mozzarella cheese.. I can imagine the soft, brownish, caramelized onions. On the side, we'll have a simple Caesar Salad. After that, my husband will order a fillet of fish (as always) with some creamy sauce or pesto sauce on top and brown rice, I will have garlic pesto pasta with... hmm, chicken But that's too boring. Garlic pesto with pine nuts and Parmesan cheese and Italian bread sticks. Or pasta puttanesca! Right... with parmesan garlic bread (I love garlic!) Or if I'm not having this, I'll have Cordon Bleu and garlic mashed potatoes and some exciting vegetable dish on the side. Finishing our meals we'll proceed to order his creme brulee, still flaming when served, and my blueberry cheesecake... yup, tart berries, creamy, firm and smooth cake, melts in my mouth, contrasted by the crumbs in the crust... maaaaan, I'm sinning now... As we're downing our desserts with a cup of cappuccino, I opened my eyes.

And felt so much better. I felt so happy!

I don't know why. I was expecting to be a tad deeper into my self-pity but instead, it comforted me. Because I discovered that I've eaten enough good food to remember how they feel and taste in my mouth and to fuel lavish fantasies such as this. While others can only fantasize about the next pandesal that they can afford, I go rattling French and Italian in my mind. I don't feel so sorry about the sardines anymore.

If you once afforded, or can still afford a Chowking lugaw, a sidewalk mami, a Starbucks ensaymada, a bag of rolled oats, Ma Po Tofu from North Park, a handful of Judge gums from the nearest suking tindahan, a chili rice from Wendy's or a nice hot garlic shawarma, be grateful. You have something to smile about.

#7: The Sorry Entry

I Apologize

I was too scared.

Too scared of lack.

Lack of time, lack of money,

Lack of words, lack of energy.

Though I never thought of

Lacking you someday.

I should've chosen to give,

Laugh without worries,

Even just for a night.

Now, you are behind that glass

And in a faraway cradle.

Either way,

I won't be able to

buy you coffee anymore

and see that thrilled smile.

Not ever.

In a shaded sidewalk, a woman sits crying, looking far at the trail of people in black. A gentleman passes by�E/FONT>